Sunday, May 10, 2009
On this mother’s day of 2009, one day away from 20 weeks of carrying a life inside of me, I ponder the journey set before me as a Latina mother that has chosen to walk with the guidance of truth by her side. I did not choose to be brown, but I do choose to engage in the meaning of what it means to be an individual in a society that strives to erase us into the blank page of conformity. In a world that attempts to numb our spirits and mute our hearts, I choose to dig deep into the female instinct, that is a warrior instinct, one that is drawn to protect life and uncover its meaning buried underneath the fallacies of heteronormativity and patriarchy- diseases that affect the lives of all genders and the threaten the foundation of life itself. As I came to make these choices, it was no surprise that I came to understand the meaning of struggle- a journey full of sacrifices, misunderstanding by those close to me as well as those I expect misunderstanding from, but also the blessing to have met others who have also chosen their own paths of warriorships of love and truth, although often times it does become an isolated path.
It is not easy choosing what one must do over what one wants to do, but this is the journey of radical brown motherhood, and it is a journey full of love as it is full of struggle. Choosing to walk with truth does not give one the option to disappear into non-existence. I believe everyone comes to this planet with some gift, some contribution to humanity, some great feat or goal to accomplish that sets us apart from solely eating, shitting, sleeping animals. Walking with truth means loving ourselves enough to know what that feat is, to authentically know our identities. To stray away from this path is to never have known ourselves, our potential, to have never really existed in this world. As a warrior of life, seeker of truth, and soon to be mother, I ponder whether there is any distinction between the first two and the last.
There are those that try to distance the act of motherhood from warriorhood, while I believe that one cannot exist without the other. The work of motherhood must engage in also shaping the world her children will come to know themselves in. A radical mother, a self-aware mother also becomes an advocate for truth-knowing among others as she must advocate with her own child. We live in a society of individuals who have had their highest selves hidden from them. It is a toxic environment. No radical mother, or no loving mother wants her children to be exposed to toxicity. The work to provide others with the opportunity to know themselves is parallel to the work of mothers who nurture their daughters and sons with the opportunities to see truth.
I believe that this life inside my womb is closer to knowing truth in its most fundamental form than it will ever be before it passes on to life after flesh. His early growth is a nine-month prayer. He is vulnerable but does not know fear. He learns, remembers, dreams, discovers, and I believe is in constant connection with a divine life-giving force, growing and moving in unison with the will of Most High, as if singing in perfect pitch with the wavelength of the universe. His obstruction from the oppressive world outside the perfect womb is limited. My challenge will be that when he does enter this world, that he will continue to learn, dream, and discover in unison with this divine force without self-doubt or fear; that he will continue to sing in unison with Most High by distinguishing truth from the fallacies of our world and find his own authentic journey through the world carefully perceived by the womb of his heart and critical mind. These challenges I take on for my own son cannot be distinct from carving the world he will come to know himself in. And so I do choose a more difficult, less luxurious path, but a path that recognizes my own existence; a path that refuses to have my life, the life of my son, and the lives of others dissolve into the dangerous waters of complacency and self-negation.