Saturday, November 24, 2007

Raw processing...

So yesterday I put myself through a healing writing processes. I realized that I had been spending so much time engaged in all these other activities in academia that don't always take my own humanity into account. I'm realizing how difficult it is to get through when I ignore that inner me. The academic work (busy work) I'm asked to do is surface level, never getting into the heart of issues, or at least not to the depth that I see them, or I am constantly engaged in resisting, resisting, resisting- mostly with very little or no support. I realized that I'm not doing much in actualizing/creating.
"My creativity - that's what I am missing, lost, silenced, tamed- for who, what, when did this occur and how do I take up the courage to draw it back and become?"

After some more writing, there was something else that was painful I was realizing. That for the most part, I had been alone- some part of me has been alone, if not all of me. I can't name one person alive that knows me completely. The "who" that was and has been in the process of becoming. There are a few people that know me at different stages of my life, people I love. But nobody, that knows all of me. That shit tripped me out. And it left me thinking more about spaces I allow (or not allow) myself to completely be.
"And if I should die tomorrow, only my ancestors who sent me here would know who I was to become, what I have struggled through, what I have come to know..."

Then I asked myself,
"What would I have to offer them?"

I thought about purpose. Staying focused. I know why I am here, and without this purpose, there is no existence.
"I cannot die and go back effortless. The concept of a warrior."

But this is where I hit bedrock in search of the earth's core. Are there parts of my own humanity that were meant to be sacrificed for the sake of purpose? Do the two really have to contradict? My mind says no, because revolutionary change and one's humanity are synonymous. But in actuality, it sometimes seems as if there's never enough time or space for both...

And yes, as the grainy photobooth picture indicates, I am tired and emotionally/physically burnt out!

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